Frankenparents or frankly right?
We live in a popular town near Newbury. It's full of Edwardian houses and nice antique shops. Our local primary school consistently scores in the top five percent in the country. Each year it receives 5x as many applications than it can accept for its coveted spaces. Many young families abandon London each year and financially stretch themselves to buy in on the local property ladder. And when they aren't happy with the local school, they turn into frakenparents.
Our Year Sixes were invited to participate in a tennis round robin competition with a nearby public school. We don't have an official school tennis programme, so the teacher in charge (a keen one just out of training) thought the fairest way to pick the players would be to choose randomly — pull names out of the hat kind of thing. The public school of course has a full-on sports programme, with several coaches and facilities for a proper tea after the competition.
The public school sent their best players. Our team showed up to the tennis court with mismatched outfits. We came in fourth (out of five).
The loss upset some parents because they thought our players should have been picked by ability. Many of the children have private tennis coaching and are very, very good. But it is hard to assess ability if you don't have an official way to do it, such as a school programme (which of course is why some parents opt for the public school). This upset some parents so much, they complained, and reduced our young teacher to tears. Somehow I don't think the real issue was about being not picked for a tennis team.
Of course I am exagerating. I really don't think parents in the suburbs, myself included, are monsters. But why do we as parent have such high expectations, when our parents just accepted what was on offer? Is respect for authority, such as a head teacher and the way they run a school, non-exisent? Is this good? bad? Do parents always know best?
its interesting and well judged analysis is reflecting in this writing. | 27th Jun 11
its interesting and well judged analysis is reflecting in this writing.
Arlene Marie Daniels | 19th Jun 11
Parents are just human too of course. We aren’t always right (despite our strongest oppositions). Although I think that as we become parents, we get used to being in charge. We get used to being followed. We get used to being the boss…of our kids that is. 🙂 [like it says on http://www.growingupchildren.com] It’s just that sometimes, other people tend to carry over this attitude unto other people too. I’m not sure if I’m a Frankenparent myself, but I do hope not. 😛
Anna | 2nd Jun 11
As someone who doesn’t have children, but is hoping to soon, these kind of stories terrify me!! I just don’t think I have the aggression to take on these kind of parents! I do think that it essentially boils down to inconsideration / not thinking about others. I can remember at 17 (a long time ago) being reduced to tears by a 50 year old man whose magazine subscription hadn’t been delivered by accident. He was so rude to me, but in retrospect he just saw me as someone behind the till. Not the young girl who had a saturday job and caught the school bus every day. He just couldn’t think of anything else apart from himself. I hope I have the foresight to learn from other people’s errors and never end up one of these wild people that get upset over an insignificant tennis match or a missing magazine!
Jody Brettkelly | 27th May 11
Great post and so thought provoking. My kids are at an Oakland public (state) school and more and more I feel for the teachers (and actually the parent-sports coaches). We have had so many blow-ups and issues at our school. This always-winning thing, getting your own way is so bratty (and that’s just the parents!) And some wonder why noone wants to be a teacher anymore. Yes there are the long vacations but the helicopter parents will not be ignored on any issue.
Susanna | 26th May 11
different strokes for different folks, me thinks
Susanna | 26th May 11
good point knackered!
Susanna | 26th May 11
I just STAY OUT OF THEIR WAY, it’s easier that way
Susanna | 26th May 11
Fully agree. I think that was the real issue behind this. I think it actually got on the head’s agenda!
Sarah, East Sussex | 26th May 11
While I agree with you that pushy parents who attempt to get their little darlings to the front of whatever queue they think they are entitled to join by aggression and intimidation are to be frowned upon, I am one of the big believers in doing something about the decline of competitive sport in our schools. I do think we are breeding a nation of sporting fence-sitters with this constant banging on about fair play and access for all. Unfortunately, as we parents know, outside of the school yard there is very little fairplay, and surely education should be a wholesale exercise in socialising and bringing on our youngsters in many different ways, not just in the nice bits. I may come across as a Frankenparent (love that phrase) – I hope not – but I do wish our schools would/were allowed to man up a bit, put exercise, sport and fitness firmly back on the curriculum (and not just pretend its there), and start letting the kids experience that a little friendly competition isnt going to hurt them and should even teach them how to cope and rise above adversities later on in life.
Expat Mum | 26th May 11
I am finding myself less and less involved with school stuff the longer I’m a parent. Pushy parents are almost becoming the norm. In private sector (over here at least) they think that because they’re paying the fees, they have the right to demand everything from curricular changes to the firing of teachers. They’re always barging into some office or another. Unbearable.
Knackered Mother | 26th May 11
The whole pushy parent thing is a nightmare. All we should do is encourage and be kind to our kids. And IMHO, learning to lose graciously is about as important a life lesson as any.
Rosie Scribble | 26th May 11
The idea of a young teacher being reduced to tears is dreadful. Many schools, my daughter’s included, would be thrilled with the opportunity to play tennis on a proper tennis pitch. I think parents are naturally competitive, some more than others, but many lose sight of the wonderful facilites and opportunities their children have, and will continue to have as long as it is not spoilt through over-competiveness and a lack of respect for authority. Surely the year sixs would want to enjoy their last year at primary school and enjoy a game of tennis?!
Michelloui | The American Resident | 26th May 11
I agree with Caznay that sending mismatched kids for the sake of ‘fairness’ (fairness within the school, not the competition) is a sure way to make kids feel bad. Why send someone not ready for a competition into the arena with people who have been preparing? And I’m not even a competitive parent.
If put to the children I bet they would say ‘have a tennis competition within the school, then send the best ones to the next level.’ Kids are good with logic.
Regarding the demanding parent syndrome in general, I think a lot of parents today feel such anxiety about ‘getting it right’ that if they have put a lot of effort into choosing ‘the right’ school and the school seems to have failed them, they are going to get upset. Their fear of sending their children into the world less prepared than they should be outweighs their respect of the school’s authority.
Leah Hardy | 26th May 11
The idea that children who are good at sports and children who are good at academic stuff are entirely different a myth. In many schools the children who excel at tennis etc are the very same kids who do well at maths. In most cases, sport does not allow children a unique ‘opportunity to shine’, it gives the alpha kids yet another chance to display their prowess, and the other children to feel like failures. Bravo for this brave young teacher!
Caznay | 26th May 11
Very interesting, but totally baffling that the school didn’t just spend one pe lesson playing tennis and picking the best players. Even our tiny village primary picks the fastest runners for the annual local athletics competition – if you are going to join in, then do it properly! My oldest daughter attends a private prep – she has never had a tennis lesson in her life but made it into the team because she played in a PE lesson and showed promise. THAT is the way to instill confidence into children, not sending ‘mismatched’ kids who aren’t very good to be pulverised by a strong independent school team!
Anne Bailey | 26th May 11
I think it says a lot about parents wanting to prove that they’re making the right school choice for their children – and beating the local independent school would make them feel good. Losing at tennis reinforces some idea that they’re missing out. I’ve had children in both state and independent schools and it’s an agonising decision as they both have plusses and minuses. I think the teacher should be supported and if the parents are so keen to get a tennis programme going so the kids who play well can be chosen to play for the school, what’s to stop them volunteering?
Sarah Ebner | 26th May 11
Very interesting stuff, and actually reminiscent of something which happened at our school with the football team. I actually think there is nothing wrong with competition and that the kids who are good at sport should get opportunities to shine too. A big difference here though is that the school doesn’t actually run its own tennis programme so it’s hard to blame the teacher – although, as you point out, parents love to do so….