My daughter didn’t speak! How we beat selective mutism

I’m a planner. I write lists. I think ahead. I try to deal with the unexpected. But when we moved back to the UK two years ago, I didn’t anticipate that my five-year-old daughter would not speak for three months.

She would talk in the comfort of our home, but she would not utter a word in public. Not to her teachers, the other students, the GP, the dinner ladies, no one. She would clam up any public situation. Not really an ideal position to be in.

We came back to the UK in 2007 because we had a reception place at our very popular local school.  If we didn’t accept the spot, we would lose it and most likely not get back in again. So we left our beach house in La Jolla (I can hear you moaning) to resume life in the Chilterns.

The move happened very quickly — only six weeks lapsed between the decision to move back and landing at Heathrow ready to re-start our life. I was very busy sorting out things like BT, international movers, a pre-school for the other girls, buying a school uniform from abroad, saying good bye to old friends, etc. Thinking it would be nice for Emily to meet some of her new school mates, I even arranged a playdate for her with another little girl that would be in her class.

Emily is shy with new people, but in the usual sort of shy way — she looks down at the ground instead of making eye contact and takes refuge behind my legs. But after a little while, she usually lightens up and starts to engage.

We arrived in the UK on a Thursday, and school started the following Tuesday (despite jet lag and a house full of unpacked boxes).

The first day of school was a bit overwhelming even for me. We were used to a very small school in La Jolla where most parents drove and dropped off in a half-hour window. In our new British school, all 300 pupils descended upon the school gate in the five minutes leading up to 9 a.m. I met loads of mums on the first day — and arranged more playdates and was invited to coffee. I was feeling pretty good.

But my daughter’s experience was different. When I picked her up, her new teacher just said it went OK, and that Emily didn’t say a word. Not when she had to use the toilet. Not when she called the register. Not even to the little girl that was assigned to show her around school (the one we had the playdate with). Being her first day, I really didn’t think much of it.

But it didn’t get better. After a week, I started to worry. After a month I decided I needed to do something.

The first person I asked was Emily’s speech teacher from San Diego. Emily was a late speaker (three) and I had a really good relationship with her therapist. She told me about the condition called selective mutism and sent me the links to a few web sites for more info. I learnt that selective mutism is an anxiety disorder where children who can normally speak freely, freeze up in social situations.

I spoke with the teacher and the school, and though they were open to suggestions, their take was that it would go away on its own.

I wanted to nip this in the bud early, so this is what we did:

-The teacher (bless her heart) came to our house and we showed her around and eventually Emily started to talk with her.

-I would take Emily into school 15 minutes early and would talk with her while her teacher was in the room doing her prep work (writing on the board, going through papers, etc). At first she didn’t respond to me, but after a week she started to answer my questions and engage with me with her teacher in the room. Eventually her teacher started to sit with us and Emily would talk to her while I was there.

-A few times a week I would come into the classroom and play games with a group of children, including Emily. At first Emily wouldn’t say anything with her peers listening, but eventually she began to speak and respond to the other children. But as soon as I left she would become mute again.

-I had practically every child from Emily’s class over to play (even the boys!) The children were amazed that Emily would speak to them at home, but not at school or at parties or playdates at their homes. Some of the other children had Emily ovr to play. She wouldn’t talk to them at their homes, but she learnt to get what she wanted without speaking (pointing and shaking her head yes or no).

A week before the term ended, Emily’s teacher passed me a note that said “Emily was seen speaking to another child on the playground”. Eventually she was talking to the other children in the class, and finally to her teacher.

Throughout the three months I was aware that we were walking a fine line and it could very easily have turned into a situation where she was teased by her classmates. However, we were lucky and this didn’t happen.

I asked Emily the other day if she remembers not speaking at school when she got here and why she didn’t speak. She just looked embarrassed and said she couldn’t remember.

I’m not sure I’ll ever know the exact cause, but I’m sure glad it’s sorted.

Photo credit: paix