What do you do when your child is (gulp) not very nice?
As we walked home from school yesterday, Alexandra (5) slipped her slightly sticky hand into mine. Unlike her sisters, who always run ahead with their friends, Alexandra prefers to stay with me and discuss her day…
"Emma got a haircut," she started out, now swinging my hand energetically. "It's really, really short," and there was something in the way she said this that struck me the wrong way. This was the first I had heard of Emma and I wondered if she was a new girl…
"She looks like a boy!" Alexandra exclaimed and she squelched her nose up disapprovingly. I could just imagine my daughter and her little friends cattily discussing this haircut. My stomach dropped to my toes.
I stopped and looked at my middle daughter, not knowing what to say. To save money, my father cut our hair (all five of us rug rats). After one of these barber sessions, my mother dressed me in a new frock and sent me to a friend's party. I remember a group of girls, hands on hips, telling me that boys shouldn't wear dresses. I was devastated, and vowed to never cut my hair short again. I still have long hair.
"What if mummy cut your hair and it was too short and you didn't like it?" I said and I knelt down to her level. Nothing. "How would you feel if someone told you you looked like a boy?" Another non-reaction. "Do you think you hurt Emma's feelings?"
"It's really bad mummy."
"What's bad?"
"Her hair."
UUgghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
What do you do when your children aren't little angels?
Rosie Scribble | 17th Oct 09
It is definitely an age thing because my 6 year old said something similar the other day. I had to point out that saying someone looked like a boy was not very nice and asked her how she would feel if someone said that about her. She was quite horrifies so I think it is sinking in that others can be offended. Hopefully they learn in the end.
A Modern Mother | 16th Oct 09
Sally — you just got me thinking about how they teach about other religions in school… that’s another topic…
Whistle–yes, they become real people, with voices!
Ellen–thanks!
Iota — ahh, good idea, she loves her teacher…
Iota | 16th Oct 09
I think the “how would you feel if…?” is a good way to go. Even if it doesn’t instantly seem to strike a chord, it has given her something to think about.
If she has an adored teacher or role model, you could ask “what do you think Mrs X would think about this”?
Ellen | 15th Oct 09
Oh that must be horrible to deal with. Thank goodness mine are too young for that (at the momment).
PS. There is an award for you at my blog. x
whistlejacket | 15th Oct 09
I find it hard when my eldest is unpleasant. He’s very confident and often bosses other children around which I hate. He’s also open about who he likes and who he doesn’t like which is something children his age do I suppose. They’re brutally honest! I do try hard to instil some tact and restraint into him but maybe he’s too young for that yet (almost 4). Children are so quick to point out differences in others too. It is tough, sometimes you wonder where that little innocent baby went… !
Sally | 15th Oct 09
I think with Flea I tend to just answer honestly. After all, there’s nothing wrong with wondering – I just try to stress the value of diversity and stuff when I chat about it.
The hair thing is a poor example as Flea is so pro-boy it wouldn’t occur to her to comment on something gender-related, but if she commented on someone being fat, or bald, or having a disfigurement, I tend to just say: “Well, different people are different shapes and sizes” or “Some people have accidents or they’re born and part of their body doesn’t work properly. It’s no big deal.”
A Modern Mother | 15th Oct 09
Expat — LOL! thanks, that makes me feel a bit better…
Discontented–thanks, I’ll come by and check it out…
Paradise– we must be twins!
SPD — I’m hoping the feeling bit comes later…
SingleParentDad | 15th Oct 09
I lay on the feelings thing. How would it make you feel? But it looks like you tried that. So, I’m all out.
Paradise | 15th Oct 09
same thing happened to me. My mum always cut my hair to save money, & she didn’t like little girls with long hair (cos of flicking, chewing, affected tossing of head etc!!) I was always being mistaken for a boy. I hated it. As soon as I left home I grew my hair long. It still is.
Discontented Little Mummy | 15th Oct 09
It reminds me of many a conversation with my son so not sure girls are any worse!
I’m new to mummy blogging but have been enjoying your blog so there’s an award for you over at my blog. Apologies if you’ve had it already – I don’t really know what I’m doing (with awards, motherhood, life in general…)
Expat Mum | 15th Oct 09
I think little girls (in general) are more specific with their barbs, as my two boys are much more likely just to say “poo-poo head”. Perhaps point out some really cool-looking teenagers with short hair?
Basically, at this age, they just say what’s in their head. The empathy comes a bit later. With mine, I used to just tell them they weren’t allowed to comment on someone’s appearance when that person could hear them. ie. if they were just about to point out the lady with the huge bottom in front of us, I would make them whisper it to me instead. It worked quite well actually!
A Modern Mother | 15th Oct 09
TooMany — yes, hopefully just an age thing…
TooManyHats | 15th Oct 09
That would sure hurt a mommy-heart. Just keep talking to her, she is very young and empathy is not an easy thing to grasp.
A Modern Mother | 15th Oct 09
Potty — I guess little boys don’t make the same comments?
Mad House — Yes, empathy is hard, and I wasn’t connecting on this level… perhaps I have to wait a couple more years…
TheMadHouse | 15th Oct 09
Oh my this is a hard one. With MaxiMad just starting school some of the things he comes out with are terrible “poo poo head”, “your not my friend” etc. I just tell him we dont call him poo poo head so why would he say it. I also try and teach them about empathy, but it is so hard. MiniMad wears glasses and we have been so keen to tell him they are cool. I guess it is just a learning curve. You can love someone without liking them I suppose. In fact I remember feeling like that after Mini was born and Maxi wasnt particularly nice to him!!
Potty Mummy | 15th Oct 09
As a child who pretty much always had short hair (nothing changes, huh?), I can tell you that it probably hasn’t bothered the little girl in question much. In fact, I used to quite like being told I looked like a boy, since boys had more fun most of the time anyway… (Which I know is not what you want to tell a little girl, and don’t worry, I wasn’t. I just worked that one out for myself!)
A Modern Mother | 15th Oct 09
Ella — I’m trying that one next…
ella | 15th Oct 09
I swore I’d never say it to my children but I find myself saying ‘if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all’. I’ve tried explaining why it’s not nice to say mean things but their eyes just glaze over….
A Modern Mother | 15th Oct 09
Liz — good for you, obviously I wasn’t convincing enough!
Liz@VioletPosy | 15th Oct 09
I had the same problem last week, one of Lily’s love/hate friends (you never know from day to day where they stand!) got glasses. The utter joy in her voice in that he had them warned me. So I I sat her down and pointed out that Mummy wears glasses, so do all her grandparents, probably meant at some point she would too. And how would she feel…..she got all sad and decided that it was nice her friend needed glasses and not something to laugh at. PHEW!