Kids parties — do you stay?

Birthday party - Copy
When we were living in California, we had a big party when our oldest turned five. There were about 20 kids plus siblings and parents. We hired a bouncy castle. My sister made that gorgeous princess cake in the photo. There was a pinata (OK, some of the kids are still scarred from the memory of beating an effigy of Dora). It was fun, but it was BIG.

All the parents stayed to supervise their own kids… and one dad took on the job of regulating the bouncy castle. I was so relieved — there were a few “energetic” boys mixing with the little girls in full princess regalia.

Where we live in the Thames Valley it is the norm to invite the entire class to a party and parents are happy to drop off their kids and leave. I remember the first party where it dawned on me that all the parents were going to “pick up a few things at Tesco” and come back later. The party was in a church hall and I put my husband at the door to make sure there were no escapees.

So …. what if you went to drop off your child at a party … and they were about a million 4 and 5-year-olds running around with no organised entertainment except a bouncy castle?

Would you stay? Go? At what age do you just drop them off and go shopping for a couple hours?

51 COMMENTS

  1. MumVersusKids | 7th Apr 10

    My two are only little (19 mo and just turned 3), so we don’t really invite their friends…we invite ours and their kids. It’s brilliant – obviously we have all the standard kiddy entertainment, but we also get to drink champagne and sneak bites of the mini sausage rolls that people frown on at grown up parties but which everyone secretly loves.
    When I was little the parties were “drop-off” from when we were about 7 or 8… I think that’s fine, but any younger and surely it’s just daytime babysitting in exchange for a present?

  2. Fat Mumma | 30th Mar 10

    I generally let myself be led by the kids. If they are clinging to me and genuinely want me to stay… then I do. Otherwise, I’m out of their as fast as it takes a coffee at the closest cafe to brew!

  3. Luschka | 25th Mar 10

    I can’t imagine leaving! But it’s a good heads up for if I host a party! Thank you! I guess in the early years, I’d expect my baby’s ‘friends’ to be my the babies of my friends, so I’d expect them to stay, but if you don’t know the parents, why would you. But no, I cant imagine leaving my daughter with people I don’t really know. Yeah, paranoia city here.

  4. Dara | 24th Mar 10

    I can’t imagine dropping 4 year olds off. My son’s last was his fifth and all parents save one stayed. And he asked twice if it was okay to leave – his wife is a nurse who had been called in and he had a scheduled appointment. I like having the other parents around. They know I’m too busy to make small talk, but are still able to provide a little help with supervision, crafts, clean up, etc.
    Parties we’ve gone to parents are expected to stay and it’s taken for granted that you’ll help with food serving and clean up and rounding up the wee buggers. Sometimes parents might dash out for a bit during the activity but always return for food time.
    We live in a fairly remote area and the only place to have a party other than your home (and I seem to be the only parent interested in doing that) is the pool or the bowling alley. Wouldn’t leave my child in either place.
    I would definitely say 7 or 8 before I’d consider leaving my eldest at a party. ‘plus I’m just a nosey-parker, I want to see the cake and the treats and what activities you do!

  5. babieswhobrunch | 23rd Mar 10

    i’d definitely stay if there was a pinata!! 🙂

  6. LoopyLu_80 | 23rd Mar 10

    I absolutely would stay. My daughter had her 4th birthday party last month. I found the parents that dropped their little bundles off joy off and left, both a little brave and rather freaky…

  7. Geekymummy | 22nd Mar 10

    We haven’t hit this issue yet. Our eldest is 4, and so far we have attended 4 and 5 year old parties. parents always stayed. I expected parents to stay at our last party, and they did. So in California i’d say it’s still the norm to stay atvthe party with the kids til they are at least 5

  8. a humdrum mum | 21st Mar 10

    My son is 4 and we’re still attending parties, me and his dad! The parties are either my or nursery friends. I want to catch up with my friends, and as I work 3 days a week, any chance to catch up with them I grab hold of. And with the nursery friends, I usually like to meet the other nursery mums to chat about what’s going on.
    I think next year we’re going to have to deal with the whole drop’n’go but maybe that’s when we just have five of his pals at Pizza Hut?!
    Interesting subject, thanks for posting it.

  9. Sarah Ebner | 21st Mar 10

    We very rarely stay, and most parents I know don’t want the parents to stay – the kids tend up to play up more and run to mummy and daddy simply because they’re there. And it also cuts down so much on space! I suppose it depends on the venue, but I’m hoping hardly any stay at our son’s upcoming 5th party – we have nowhere to put a whole load of parents too….

  10. Expat Mum | 21st Mar 10

    I stayed at a 7 year old bowling party last week because there was no way the two parents could have managed four bowling lanes and 25 kids. Most of the time I drop my 6 year old off because I always think the parents don’t want extra people hanging around.
    Last summer the little guy went to a party where the kids were playing in the street. The mother told me to leave him, then walked back into the house leaving about ten small children unsupervised outside. No way.

  11. Plan B | 20th Mar 10

    Interesting – a whole way beyond where we are now – as the eldest is still not quite 3 we’re definitely stayers for the next wee while. We’ve just this week moved into playdates on their own though. And I’ve realised it’s so much more stressful looking after someone else’s child than your own!

  12. A Modern Mother | 20th Mar 10

    @vic @vic am I seeing double? Souds like you live in a fab place

  13. A Modern Mother | 20th Mar 10

    @nappyvalley yes it does, especially in the US…
    @mwa but what if you went to a party and there were a million little kids and a bouncy with no supervision … would you still go?

  14. nappyvalleygirl | 19th Mar 10

    We’ve just got to the stage where we can leave Littleboy 1 if the parents say it’s OK (he’s turning 5 soon). The done thing here seems to be liaise with the parents via email about whether it’s OK.
    Having said that I would not want to be in charge of loads of little kids in a public place – the potential for disaster seems so vast…..

  15. Mwa | 19th Mar 10

    I leave, unless I’m very good friends with the host. This is the custom in Belgium, so it would be weird not to. We start this about three years old. The first couple of times I left my phone number. Now I don’t really stress about it. So far, no problems.

  16. A Modern Mother | 19th Mar 10

    @mummeee haven’t been to a swim party yet …gulp

  17. muummmmeeeeee...... | 19th Mar 10

    When mine were little, I always asked the parents if they wanted me to stay but generally people tended to make sure they already had plenty of help. I’ve never left them at a swimming pool party though…the thought of them drowning was definitely enough to put my Tescos shop on hold!

  18. Vic | 19th Mar 10

    I tend to run but would never do so if the parents throwing the party didn’t look like they had enough help – it’s just not fair on them. It does seem to be the way of things around here but most parents seem to rope in enough help in the way of family or other parents. I know at the boy’s last party there were more adults around than kids!

  19. Vic | 19th Mar 10

    I tend to run but would never do so if the parents throwing the party didn’t look like they had enough help – it’s just not fair on them. It does seem to be the way of things around here but most parents seem to rope in enough help in the way of family or other parents. I know at the boy’s last party there were more adults around than kids!

  20. A Modern Mother | 19th Mar 10

    @califlorna did they open a Tesco in Newport?!

  21. Calif Lorna | 19th Mar 10

    If they’re my friends, I want them to stay so they can help. If I don’t know them, I want them to go to Tescos so I don’t have to make polite conversation with them whilst dealing with a load of children.
    Sometimes I think children are better behaved if their parents aren’t hanging around, they’re less likely to pull a tantrum.
    And I always need things from Tescos! I’m a drop off mum!

  22. A Modern Mother | 19th Mar 10

    @iota you need to come back to the UK soon!

  23. A Modern Mother | 19th Mar 10

    wait till they are a bit older @nat!

  24. Nat | 19th Mar 10

    ER no I stay, I don’t expect you to look after my child as well as organise and host a party. And if you don’t want me there, then I would insist on helping to keep an eye on all the others. Seriously. It’s not daycare it’s a party.

  25. Iota | 19th Mar 10

    I stayed a lot more with my oldest. My younger two have made it clear that they prefer me NOT to stay! I do ask the party host on my way out, though, if they would like parents to stay, but usually there are plenty of adults around. And I would always play it by ear. If I didn’t feel my child was going to be safe or happy or relaxed if I left, then I wouldn’t. I stayed with my daughter at Chuck E Cheese’s recently, even though she said I could go, because I just didn’t feel there were enough adults around in the group in a public place.
    When I moved to America, I was pathetically desperate to stay at kids’ parties. It was pretty much the only way to meet other parents, as everyone picked up their kids in a drive-through system so there wasn’t really a school gate equivalent. I was gutted if there was a clash, and I had to turn down an invitation on my child’s behalf.

  26. A Modern Mother | 19th Mar 10

    @liz lucky seven then … it’s early in these parts, I’d say age 5 or 6! Funny how the norm is different everywhere.

  27. Liz@VioletPosy | 19th Mar 10

    Funnily enough there has been a shift now they are turning 7 to leaving them at parties. Before that we’d all stay with them except one mother. I remember having a very distressed little girl come up to me at a 4th Birthday because she needed the bathroom and she had tights on and couldn’t manage them, so I took her to the bathroom. I couldn’t believe her mother had left her when she obviously couldn’t cope. But here 7 seems to be the magic age to leave them.

  28. A Modern Mother | 19th Mar 10

    @toomany 10! OK I have some time to go.
    @EmmaK It seems to be age five or six…

  29. EmmaK | 19th Mar 10

    You drop them off and go shopping as early as you can get away with it! Although I suppose Kindergarten age is the acceptable age among the more overly protective american style parents.

  30. TooManyHats | 19th Mar 10

    I always stayed until they were about 10 years old.

  31. A Modern Mother | 19th Mar 10

    @catalunya that must be trying 😉
    @rosie she will soon I hope

  32. Very Bored in Catalunya | 19th Mar 10

    It’s very much the done thing to stay at the party over here. I’d love to be able to drop him off and return a couple of hours later than listen to a load of mums babbling in a foreign language whilst trying not to eat the overload of carbs that is party food.

  33. Rosie Scribble | 19th Mar 10

    I always stay except on the one occasion when the party was at a friend’s house directly across the street. My daughter doesn’t have the confidence yet to stay at a party on her own – I long for the day she does!

  34. A Modern Mother | 19th Mar 10

    @laura I think it makes a big difference if you go into with an open mind — that you may stay or go depending.

  35. TheMadHouse | 19th Mar 10

    I expect to stay and I expected people to stay at maxi’s too, which was why I did a Ham for the adults etc. I would never leave them, at least not the next few years at least

  36. Laura | 19th Mar 10

    It definitely depends whos party and which child. If it’s someone from school that we are familiar with and my child is happy to be left then I will, I always leave contact details.
    The 4 year old mostly likes me to stay, the 5 year old often tells me to go.

  37. A Modern Mother | 19th Mar 10

    @julieB It’s coming!
    @heather At what age do you prefer the parents to leave? 4? 5? This is good research for mums with toddlers…

  38. A Modern Mother | 19th Mar 10

    @jennysnail that’s a good way to deal with it, ask a couple of friends to help me out. Once I had to entertain 20 kids in a field (because the teenager who was supposed to open the gym did a no show). Ughhh, not my cup of tea.

  39. Heather Davis | 19th Mar 10

    I definitely prefer the parents to leave. If they don’t you feel like you have to entertain them as well. Frankly if you haven’t organised enough stuff to entertain the kids then it won’t matter if the parents are there or not. It will be chaos!

  40. A Modern Mother | 19th Mar 10

    @liz but … I think some parents actually want you to stay, especially if the child having the party is the oldest in the family (read less experienced parents) and when the kids are 4 or 5. It’s a tricky transition age and hard to tell. Sometimes I just ask the parents to see if it is OK to leave. But rarely do they say no. Then you need to make sure the party is actually safe, that’s another story…

  41. JulieB | 19th Mar 10

    I always stay, mainly because my eldest (nearly 5) can be quite clingy and insecure when left alone, and my youngest is too young (even though she is the opposite and probaby wouldn’t even notice we were not there!). I am looking forward to the day when I CAN just drop them off, however (will have to start taking Liz’s advice!). As most people have said, I would probably want to ensure that the ratios were ok in terms of helpers to children, both for any parties I left my children at and at parties for my own kids.

  42. Jennysnail | 19th Mar 10

    I think mine were about 6 before I would leave them. When having a party myself I would always make sure I’d asked a couple of mums that I liked in advance if they would be able to stay, knowing that most of the parents probably wouldn’t stay, as I couldn’t cope with lots of small kids on my own. I admit to generally not volunteering to stay and help at other peoples (I’m not keen on being around lots of little kids, I get stressed and can’t do crowd control) unless I’ve been asked in advance if I can help.

  43. Liz (LivingwithKids) | 19th Mar 10

    That cake is just stunning, I think you should do a blog post with the recipe.
    Anyway… you’ve just got to bite the bullet, people! Everyone knows that the children’s party trade-off is the parents get to drop their kids off and then have some free time (you’ll notice drop-off becomes earlier and earlier and pick-up becomes later and later as time goes on).
    I can remember being very annoyed when a couple who were having marital problems insisted on staying at one of our parties. Personally I think unless the parents invite you to stay, you shouldn’t. You’ll be in the way, it puts pressure on the parents, and it’s actually usually unnecessary. It won’t encourage a shy child to integrate, either.
    I’m saying this as someone who once entertained 30 kids with the help of just one other adult. We learned after that to always ensure we had a few helpers on hand – but they were relatives, not the kids’ parents.

  44. A Modern Mother | 19th Mar 10

    @meg how about something in the invite like (and I think I did this one year): “Uncle Charlie the clown to entertain the chidlren, and coffee and tea for the parents”

  45. Meg | 19th Mar 10

    An extra ‘age’ snuck in there somehow sorry!

  46. Meg | 19th Mar 10

    How do you tactfully make it clear in the invite? My daughter will be 5 on her next birthday and I think that’s the preferred age to start to drop off age round here, but the thought of entertaining a load of small kids makes me very nervous!

  47. A Modern Mother | 19th Mar 10

    @amy it amazes people sometimes how parents leave, but I’m used to it now
    @tasha interesting about the church hall vs home thing. I think the key is making it clear in the invite.

  48. Tasha | 19th Mar 10

    We play it by ear. We’ve left her at two and stayed at three. I would make sure there were enough adults on hand so people could leave, but also make sure there’s some beer or wine and grown-up food in case lots stay. Rosemary is determined on a Go Bananas birthday this year (soft play centre) and I think they supervise, so most parents would go.
    I think the church hall ones are usually more leavers than stayers and home ones more stayers, but not always!

  49. amy | 19th Mar 10

    i tend to stay but the last party my 4year old went to they had plenty of supervision and i was told to go home. That was very nice of the lady, she took my phone number in case of any problems and 4 year had a great time.
    When we hosted 4year old’s party all the parents just left!!! I had 9children to look after and and my own on top of that!! fortunately it went well but i would never just leave like they did x

  50. A Modern Mother | 19th Mar 10

    @becky I wish I made that cake! My sis did.

  51. Becky (baby budgeting) | 19th Mar 10

    I always stay…but I have that VERY energetic little boy and I used to be a social worker (paranoia and responsibility!!!!) x Did you make that gorgeous cake

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