And exactly when did I agree to this?
I seem to have an unspoken agreement with hubby that I watch the kids at all times. I say unspoken because I don't remember agreeing to be on a heightened sense of alert at all hours, in all places. I tell the girls that I have eyes on the back of my head, so maybe that's where he got the idea.
On Sunday we decided last minute to drive down to Regatta. It was about 11 am, and the crowds were just starting to arrive.
I should have known when hubby stopped at the Telegraph stand and picked up a paper and an umbrella as a free gift.
"You're not planning on READING that, are you?" (In case you are wondering that was not a question.)
"Of course not darling. I thought we might need the umbrella." (Yes I'm reading the paper, it's Sunday.)
So off we trod to the public section of Regatta. Emily (7) and HM (4) skipping and holding my hand, and Alexandra tagging along with daddy. As soon as we got near the river bank, Alexandra disappeared in a crowd of people to watch a race.
Hubby had the paper folded, and was checking the scores in the sports section.
"Get her PLEASE" (What the X@!!! I don't have eyes on the back of my head).
He hesitated slightly, then went after her. (Must you interrupt me while I'm checking sports scores.)
Hubby appeared with Alexandra, and we made our way through the thickening crowd and managed to find a small plot of grass on the river bank to sit and eat our lunch. All was fine until Emily discovered that with her legs firmly planted, she could lean over and reach into the river and fish out some of the more interesting pieces of floating rubbish.
"Please don't do that, you'll fall in. And I'm not jumping in after you." I looked at hubby to see if he was aware our eldest was about to fall into the river, but he was lying with one elbow on the grass, reading the headlines, FACING THE OTHER WAY.
"Oh, do what you want. Daddy will jump in after you."
Want I want to know is, do you have this unspoken agreement too, or it is just us?
Photo credit: funkypancake
Kathryn Whiteley | 16th Jul 09
Ladies, ladies, ladies. The trick is to have so many kids all at once that he has NO CHOICE but to watch them and help with their care. Really! (two sets of twins 26 months apart).
He is really good about watching them. But, I must admit that I can also relate to nothing else getting done if he is watching them. The housecleaning / laundry is just not on his radar.
Great discussion!
Shannon Carter | 14th Jul 09
I thought I was the only one in the one sided agreement 🙂
Rachel Pattisson | 11th Jul 09
Oh Me Too!!!! SP has a definite case of Fatherly Oblivion Syndrome. Is there nothing he can’t sleep through?!
Iona | 10th Jul 09
Don’t worry wait till the girls hit puberty and start bringing home the boyfiends and heading out to party’s, then he’ll be the one waiting up all night(and sweating it out) waiting for them to come home or go and collect them.
Perfectly Happy Mum | 10th Jul 09
Very popular post I see 🙂
Congrats on the Gurgle Top 20!
Miss Behaving | 10th Jul 09
Oh yes, I somehow signed up for that too, I must have been drunk 😉
Thing is, now they are a bit older, ( youngest is 9), they have processed the fact that I am the only one with my shit in a pile,watching, guarding, packing, planning, so even when DH is right there in front of them, they’ll ask me for anything and everything. I have to say, ‘see that weird guy sitting there? He’s your other parent, go ask him ;).
Metropolitan Mum | 9th Jul 09
I don’t believe it, and I thought I’d be alone with this? No matter how hard I try, looking after our baby always seems to come back to me. Even the f******* baby monitor has to be carried around by me, otherwise it would end up sitting in the kitchen while we go to bed on the 1st floor. I wonder when my time ‘off’ comes. What? Never? Don’t say that, you’re making me cry!
One thing though seems to sooth the situation slightly: telling him how wonderful little L and I are getting on and how cute it is that we are developing this VERY strong bond, like a little entity, only the 2 of us. Of course, he doesn’t like to hear that and is all over the little darling…
working mum | 9th Jul 09
No point trying it any other way, it just won’t work. We’re off to the airport tomorrow: his job – look after suitcases, mine – look after daughter.
Almost Mrs Average | 9th Jul 09
And to think he seemed so sensible when I met him at Dyson. You can never tell can you 😀
My husband and I have an unspoken agreement when I crack open the wine, so maybe I’d best keep my head down. Next time, hide his wallet and any small change he could get his hands on.
Anyway, dropped in to tell you you’ve been tagged. Not about recycling this time, well…only if you’ve already done it 😀 x
Margarita | 8th Jul 09
I read this and completely related to it. I have to pack, unpack, make food, drinks, watch child, do laundry – when did this all happen? We need to start taking it back!
A Modern Mother | 8th Jul 09
I don’t want everyone to get the completely wrong idea — hubby is better than most. And Nappy Valley is right, it works two ways and I won’t touch rubbish or IT.
Deborah | 8th Jul 09
Yes, and he simply cannot understand why I think an outing with the kids could be stressful..
Tim Atkinson | 8th Jul 09
Of course, sometimes the agreement works the other way. I’m the watcher (although my full-time paid-work wife does her share too, I hasten to add!)…
Nicola | 8th Jul 09
Yep – this is how it used to work in our household too. I don’t think being single was such a shock to me as it was to ex as a result. Not that I am smirking at all (honest) but it is nice to think that his days of ‘looking after the boys’ whilst watching the Grand Prix, any football match, writing email after email are over.
And it used to make me so indignant to visit a huge soft play place at the weekend with the boys and see all the dads, supposed to be having quality time with their children, all hogging the sofas in the cafe, drinking cappucino and reading the papers. Or on their phones.
What a bloody life they leave. And how are we letting them get away with it?!
Iota | 8th Jul 09
My mother has a theory. She thinks that mothers are programmed to be a little over-protective, and fathers are programmed to be a little under-protective, thus ensuring that the child turns out perfectly balanced. (But it’s a rough ride for the mothers along the way.)
SandyCalico | 7th Jul 09
So glad it’s not just me!!!
nappyvalleygirl | 7th Jul 09
That definitely rings a bell.
Before plane journeys, my husband always picks several magazines and papers. I simply raise my eyebrows and say ‘And when will you have time to read those?’
Similar to many of these comments, I also deal with all the children’s food, packing their bags for trips, etc. etc.
Mind you, it works both ways. I expect him to do all DIY, anything to do with setting up computers/electronic items/ anything to do with the car. Oh, and barbecues. I wouldn’t have a clue how to do them.
Mamma Po | 7th Jul 09
Love this post. What is it with our men??! Does being female automatically mean we have an exclusive solo parenting role? I thought we were living in the enlightened Noughties where men were New and did more than just change the occasional nappy?
What I hate most about this ‘unspoken agreement’ is how I have to morph into a nagging fishwife in order to get my husband to shoulder a measly 20% of the parenting title…
MommyTime | 7th Jul 09
*sigh* It’s particularly galling on weekends when the default is that it’s my job to entertain, be the climbing gym and the puppet maker and so on, while he “finally gets a moment to relax” with his video games. Of course, this neglects the fact that I ALSO have a full-time job outside of home. Which I think means that I will finally get a moment to relax when both children are in college.
(By the way, I’ve been lurking for a while and finally could not resist adding a comment. If it makes you feel any better–which it may not–my chiming in should suggest that fathers in the U.S. are no better at this than fathers anywhere else.)
Kinda Sassy | 7th Jul 09
it happens here across the pond too… men are too smart by far. They KNOW that we will step in to avoid catastrophy…. so they sit back and worry not.
Of course, I have now decreed that Matthew must wash his own clothes if he is incapable of putting them in the laundry basket….. I think its kinda shocked him that I stand by my statement!
Pamela Kramer | 7th Jul 09
I think it’s in the man code or something! I want a vacation from all of them. I want a day off. Kids = mom handles everything, at least around here.
A Modern Mother | 7th Jul 09
Too funny about the blog stats!
Brenda | 7th Jul 09
My hubby is exactly the same, although he also expects me to know exactly where he has misplaced this things, as well as pack for him. Plane journeys do not even get me started, one year he upgraded himself to business and left me in economy with the three kids for a 8 hour journey!! But as the kids have got older he will do things with them but only if I arrange it all.
Brit in Bosnia | 7th Jul 09
I noticed that about the plane too. Why was it that I was always scheduled to sit in three way seats with the 2 toddlers and he managed to skippity hop off up the aisle with the paper?
Am so there with All Grown Up as well. When he’s watching the kids (and he is good at it, so i feel mean complaining) but the house not only doesn’t get cleaned/laundry done/washing up sorted it actually gets way way way worse… and then some mug is expected to clean up because I haven’t been looking after the children! What do they think we do all day? Check our blog stats (actually, do a bit of that too.. he probably has a point there).
Better stop, can feel a bit of a rant coming on.
All Grown Up | 7th Jul 09
Oh God.I know I’ve got a good one compared to most but yes, I have too unwittingly agreed to watch the baby at all times, forever. I’ve also agreed to pack, not just for holidays, but also the daily use nappy bag, and boy, is in my fault when e run out of babywipes/bibs/clean vest in the bag! I also sort out whatever food passes my son’s lips: the man cannot come up with a solitary idea of what to feed him. (I tested the water the other day and asked what he should have for tea:met with blank stare, which clearly displayed “that’s your job!”.. When’s my day off???). Also a brilliant con: when hubby watches the baby, that’s ALL he does.He does not feed the cat/clear the breakfast things off the table so they don’t become encrusted/hang out the going-mouldy-it’s-been-in-the-machine-so-long washing/put soiled nappies in the bin(!!!!!)/or dirty clothes in the basket. So a morning “off” means half a day’s worth of tidying up when I’m back “on” duty. Oh, I feel so rested. NOT!
A Modern Mother | 7th Jul 09
That’s it. A trance! Can you snap your fingers and get me out of it?
Expat Mum | 7th Jul 09
Oh my – you’ve obviously touched a nerve here. I was just ranting on to my 16 year old (and I know I shouldn’t have) that I don’t remember sitting down and having a conversation whereby I would agree to give up my career (after years in higher education), to wash, cook, clean and chauffeur for the rest of my life. I must have been in a trance.
TooManyHats | 7th Jul 09
We do not, but I will say that he does allow things to go further than I would-maybe it is a guy thing. One reason I think he is a bit better at it is that he got to be Mr. Mom once a week – I worked one day a week (10 hours) from the time they were babies until recently. Another reason is he has been a cub scout leader and now Boy Scout leader for many years and it drives him CRAZY when parents are not watching their own kids – especially when they were younger. I guess I need to give him a prize, I have been spoiled this whole time and did not even know it.
JennyMac | 7th Jul 09
Early in my baby’s life I asked an older wiser friend how do you keep the roles/responsibilities fair. She LAUGHED. It is never equal. My hub pitches in more than any man I know helps his wife and I will tell you….not equal. haha.
A Modern Mother | 7th Jul 09
Glad it’s not just me. I do the packing too. And entertaining on the plane. Once, hubby was sleeping while our two girls were roaming up and down the aisles in the airplane. He was sitting in front of me and I gave him a kick. I think he thought it was turbulence.
Antonella | 7th Jul 09
Our unspoken agreement is that wherever we go he drives and I do all the rest. But now that I’ve go a new car I might reverse the rules, although it might end up that I drive and do all the rest as well!!! Ciao. A.
Perfectly Happy Mum | 7th Jul 09
I worked out recently that assuming help is on its way is a MAJOR error! So since then I have developped the bossy side of me, without too much effort I have to say. So when we are out and about you can often hear me say things like: “Can you stop E from climbing trees? V is eating stones, are you cool with that? get this kid out of this bike, it is not ours (the bike not the kid, although I’d love to say that at times)”
It works really well, and when I am tired of being bossy I just walk away, pretending I need to go and get stuff.
Dulwich Divorcee | 7th Jul 09
Oh yes, we absolutely had that unwritten agreement. It got to the point where he would sit reading the Economist during their birthday parties! That’s one of the refreshing things about divorce – I still get to do everything, but it’s (mostly) fine as I’m not expecting help …..
Potty Mummy | 7th Jul 09
At the risk of jumping on the bandwagon, YES YES YES!!!
And can you believe that when I pointed out to another dad recently that the kids in the playground doing the really dangerous stuff were the ones being watched by their dads (invariably reading a newspaper and sipping a cappucino), he had the temerity to be offended?
carolb | 7th Jul 09
We kind of have this agreement, but to be fair hubby is actually really reasonable…
My problem is the Sunday papers…you touched a nerve there. Every Sunday without fail paper comes out and whatever else was going on he reads it. Sport first, then Home, then Money, then the rest. Same routine week in week out.
EVEN the day I went into labour, he was in one room with the Times whilst I was in another, only when my waters broke and I started yelling did he finally seem to wake up to what was going on! Gotta love ’em. 🙂
Catharine Withenay | 7th Jul 09
Oh – yes! Unwritten agreement: child is sick – you clear it up (after all, you are the doctor); I sit with patient and give cuddle. Still, somehow, I have to deal with the dirty washing afterwards.
Brit in Bosnia | 7th Jul 09
It isn’t just you – it is a female job apparently.
I particularly like the way I get moaned at for how long it takes me to pack. Trust me, if all I had to do was put one or two of my clothes into a bag, I could do it pretty quickly too. And did I mention, he still NEVER remembers to pack a toothbrush!
Like you say, I don’t remember agreeing to this either!
Dawn | 7th Jul 09
Hmm. My hubby is a stay at home dad who looks after our 11 month old. However somehow, everything you have all said here still applies to me. How does that work???
lorraine | 7th Jul 09
Oh yes we seem to have he same agreement, which also appaerently covers any noise made in the night by toddler that may result in having to get out of bed..the ones that are always folled by ….”did he wake up…I didnt hear him” even thought he was plainly awake when I got out of bed!!!!
Glad to see its not just me….thought I was being singled out!
Laura | 7th Jul 09
Definitely.
And the unwritten rule that I will check for anything that our stealth boy will find first thing when he wakes early and goes downstairs in the morning … this covers sharp items within reach int he kitchen, mobile phones and dog food at the moment.
Then there’s the unwritten rule that when we go away anywhere I will pack for the children, myself and the dog taking every eventuality into account and then be berated for leaving his raincoat at home.
Oh and the general danger rule when out and about … road safety, appropriate clothing, suncream etc etc …
Now I think about it … I cover all bases … does he ever feel any anxiety when with the children?